Time After

There are emotions that your body doesn't forget. These are such as love, anger, lust, pain...your body keeps these in a small little box in the back of your mind. Something like storage. When you experience something you haven't in a long time, you body lets that emotion out and 'reminds' you how it felt the last time. Your mind remembers, your heart remembers, your body remembers. Some of these aren't emotions at all...they are times. Times you were abused, times you were hugged, times you were pushed. Your body remembers these too, doesn't let them go. So that the next time you feel this it will 'remind' you. Your mind remembers, your heart remembers...your memory remembers. These might also be the things that you forget. You don't remember the last time you were hugged but you know how good it felt. How angelic it made you feel. You don't remember the last time you were abused but you remember how hurt you felt. How useless it made you feel. Time After you forget you will always remember....always. The light in me sees the light in you.

Things That Move Fast

Things that move fast; cars, planes, life, time, love, heartbeats, school...taking into thought the things that go fast in our lives. Today's topid will be time. Just last week i was looking at Hawk Week posters and the first two weeks of school and just yesterday i was thinking about finals week and the fact that i'm almost done iwth my first semester of college. My friend Camy told me the other day that i wold go by really fast...and he's a junior. I'd have to say that i agree. Sitting in class waiting for the clock to turn to 11:50 so that i can leave, go eat and maybe spend the rest of my day alone, in my room, watching T.V. or even alone, in the dining hall, eating. I will sit around all day, possibly doing homework at one point or reading books downloaded from Kindle Amazon. Then i would move on to shower, all of this stretching on a days worth of time and yet...it is filled with emptyness...about two weeks from now i won't even care. I will be at home, where time will fly, for an entire month because not only am I so broke that i can't even afford to borrow for Christmas I'm too poor to take the bus ($1.50) to go to my sisters house. I will sit in the house, edit my book, write the ending, and hang with the family. I'd possibly even try to hang with those friends who didn't really like me in the end (as usual) just as not to be stuck in the house doing nothing but playing the WII and watch my niece Molly grow up. And then i would suddenly be spirited back into school, moving all of my stuff BACK into my dorm room in McCollum (unfortunately known as the party-dorm). I will start class and call up that woman that has been nice enough to give me a job (even though i actually got fired from Hyvee the last time i worked there). Time will fly as i learned from my mistakes so my grades get better and my heart goes emptier at the absence of the one person that would make my life a lot happier. I would miss him a lot and we would try to talk to eachother as much as possible, staying in touch to the best of our abilities. Then the next thing i know, I will be spiraling through finals and enrolling in classes for sophomore year. Including that studio class that i had to wait an entire school year to get into (That pushed my college experience from 5 years to 6.) I will be signing that lease for that great apartment that I will find and planning that summer job that will give me means to Mom and Dad's birthday presents bought early. Seeing as it didn't take me that long to go through a few months of life...it should really show how time flies, time slows down, time can be measured but not in things untangible...overall, I guess what i'm trying to say that, regardless of anything anyone has to say, time moves too fast. The light in me sees the light in you.

A Night To Forget

The craziest thing about being bored is being avble to do something about being bored. most people would say that you should give children or young people something to do when they are bored so that they dont go and do crazy stuff but actually. if they can find somehting to do on their own...that might not be such a good thing to do either. my friend and i had a helluva night. you could say it envolved shots, drunk driving (and parrallel parking), a 21 and older bar and a bathroom floor. it also envolved sleeping in a car, running out of gas, being stranded so far but yet so close to the doors, and waking up with 'car hair'. It was a night that i'm not too sure i want to remember. this should be one of those things that when i'm older i can tell my girlfriends who've been through similar nights AND LAUGH. From my perspective it broke Sara and i together. you can very rarely say that you did the things that we did and not have had fun the night in converse. I just never ever want it to happen again...like EVER. and if it did...i would want someone to be there that could take care of us and make sure that we dont crash and burn like we did so elegantly that night. ok enough about my miscrepancies......(if that's even a word lol) The light in me sees the light in you.

National Novel Writing Month- Done

I must admitt that over the years i have always gotten out of things somehow. maybe it was because i was bad and getting in trouble so my mom kicked me out of it. or that i didn't get the right grades, or that i quit because i was scared. but this...this month was a struggle well struggled. I procrastinated so hard that i cause myself major harm. I'm sure the characters in my story would shivv me in the guts if they could because i didn't write for almost an entire week and a half. I was forced, there at the end, to spend a few days doing nothing but writing (which of course, affected the rest of my life.) I love NaNoWriMo! it is crazy but at the same time the constant writing, the wordwars, the coffee...it all just gives me tingles just htinking about it. I am so excited to be done, especially since i'm going to be trying to get it published after it's edited fully through. I'm telling ya, i've been writing all my life but if i hada been doing this all my life? i would be a waaaayyyy better author than i am now. Thanks J-WOC for all the help! and encouragement- and thanks to everyone else that inspired me or motivated me to write over the last month...much love! I'VE CHANGED...AND THATS OK...I'M A BETTER PERSON...WHERE IT COUNTS!

Something New?

I'm only scared because of my past, the future doesn't seem to bright, the light dims slowly over the months, years, minutes; i can tell that life isn't going to be as i had planned, moving on into where i am now, i realize that i've changed, my mind is sharp, my heart is cold, my soul is thinning, i'm becoming so far from the stereotype that im an alien. my fingers reach beyond the stars, they grasp the moon tightly in their sinews, they wrap it around their knuckles, they never let go. I'VE CHANGED...AND THATS OK...I'M A BETTER PERSON...WHERE IT COUNTS!

Cheers to...New Experiences

When life causes you to not..change your morals, but rethink your past goals you gotta do it. Think about the consequences of your actions and how they make you feel, or how they are going to make you feel if you haven't done them yet. Getting used this new mindset might be hard but it also might be for the best. Somethings, whether you do them or not, might not change your appearance or outlook on life at all...which is ok. I, on the other hand, believe that when i make a decision about something it might either give me a new perspective or jus add a notch in my 'xp' belt. A new experience that i encountered was ALMOST completely out of my hands...one of those didn't mean to happen things. I must admitt that once the shock wore off i cried like a baby. Not only for the death of my innocence but i cried because i knew my future "what ever his name is" might not be as happy about my ALMOST decision as he woulda been if i didnt ALMOST make the decision (and as complicated as that sounds...i'm saying it this way for a purpose). But then i realized that i did what i did. Life would go on and there was nothing that i could do to change that. That i would have to look forward in my life and not cry about yesterdays 'soggy napkins'. So i did. and now there is no turning back. i'm a woman. I would be glad if it was entirely easy to just start acting like one but these things take time! I DONT WANT TO BE LIKE YOU...I LIKE ME. WHETHER YOU LIKE ME OR NOT IS YOUR PROBLEM...WHY TRY TO CHANGE WHO I AM?

Bored in Class...Just Saying

Its not that i don't enjoy having nothing to do but chill all day and not go to class...i just like being in class, i like taking notes, i like having a relation to the people around me. not because we all want to get to the same goal in life but we all need to take this class for general education to make up our credit roster for our major....just saying...just because i'm sitting here with a scowl on my face and trying not to fall asleep inyour class doesn't mean that i'm bored and dont want to be here...its because i'm bored and i just dont want to be here...but hey! dont get offended thats me. thats the crazy thing about life. we go through crap taht we really dont want to just because we know that it MIGHT take us to where we want to go in our future...i take a History of Modern Art class not because i more or less WANT to but because unfortunately i must take some minimum amount of credit hours and not having studio puts me waaay under....so i need a filler....and hopefully knock out some of the classes that are as unimportant as How to play kickball. Just saying...if you see me typing on my keyboard really fast but still looking up at you like im interested; its not because i'm really interested in what your saying and definitely want to catch every words that drips from your lips like honey...no, its because i'm updating my blog about how boring your class is....just saying :) I DONT WANT TO BE LIKE YOU...I LIKE ME. WHETHER YOU LIKE ME OR NOT IS YOUR PROBLEM...WHY TRY TO CHANGE WHO I AM?

Denver, Sigmas and Strip Clubs, Oh My!

So my friend Logan has a Frat brother who was getting married on Saturday in Denver, Colorado that he told me about. of course i made a little joke like 'i've never been to Denver. can i come?' and Logans like yeah. you should come. so my first reaction is like...ummmm....are u kidding or can i really come? so i asked him and he was like yeah. come with me. so i spontaneously decided that i was going to Denver for the weekend and there was nothing anyone could do about it to change my mind. but just in case no one tried to, i didn't tell anyone. well save a few. It was really fun, hanging with the sigmas. they are crazy as hell i tell ya! but i love em all the same. i've decided that i want to get one of those huge maps that you see in movies with the push pins saying where they've been (usually used by serial killers or scientist trying to pinpoint diseases). i haven't been to that many places but i trust by the time i am dead i will have been all over the world. seeing new places and definitely having new experiences, such as having naked female strippers dance on you while your screaming "nooo!!! this is creepy" lol (yes, i experienced that one lol) i'm pretty sure i left hoarse because of that one lol....then add a little interaction with some drag queen transvestites and her sidekicks in a restaurant called Billie Jeans that stayed open at an impossibly late hour (well i guess it was late cuz Logan and i hadn't been to bed yet and it was already 630 in the morning (roughly the time that he and i had woken the morning before)) -gotta love it tho, life is full of surprises and those fun momments right before you come to the realization that you've been slacking and now you need to definitely step your game up. I DONT WANT TO BE LIKE YOU...I LIKE ME. WHETHER YOU LIKE ME OR NOT IS YOUR PROBLEM...WHY TRY TO CHANGE WHO I AM?

Cigaretts....Is that how you spell it?

So i don't smoke cigaretts but i've been burned with them. i hate the smell of them...but because some of my friends smoke and i chill with them at the same time i guess you can say we are kinda best friends...anyways enough of the intro.... the other day i stood outside next to my friend. He playfully lowered a cigarett to my arm and immediately there was this weird fear that ran through my chest. i was so scared i flinched back uncontrollably...i know he didn't realize it cuz he lowered it again and i did it again. he then stood there before telling me he was just playing and that he would never really burn me but no matter what he said it was like i had a major flashback of something i dont even remember happening to me. Even after he had said he'd never burn me i still moved over to another side of the circle completely away from him...it took me about five minutes to even realize what i was doing and get over it. I have cigarett burns in my head, on my ankles, hands and knees. I never knew who did themwhen i was younger but when i was told i felt an immediate hatred for the person. and know i hate to admitt that they have something over me but i've been scared of cigs ever since....i would think that since i've gone through highschool and now starting college that i've gotten over it already but....i haven't. and i want to. i dont want to ever feel that scared again. ever. I DONT WANT TO BE LIKE YOU...I LIKE ME. WHETHER YOU LIKE ME OR NOT IS YOUR PROBLEM...WHY TRY TO CHANGE WHO I AM?

Thankx for Shedding the Light

I just realized something (in communication with a change):
Life is so full of crap....i mean surprises, it definitely will screw us over...telling us that as soon as we figre something out, as soon as the one thing that is going right in our life...that one person/thing/time that made us happy/content/jovial that comes it will tear it away from us...it will rip it out of our hands and smash it to the ground, grinding it into the cement beneath our feet...That happyiness/contentment/(watever u change jovial to) can change over a span of minutes, hours, days or even weeks and you notice it and/or you try to stop it and yet it is still far from you...a goal never reached...might possibly have been an achievement in the future to regain but at that second you know it is gone and that there is nothing you, in your little person will power can do about it....

Then there is that moment that you can feel happiness in the midst of the pain, in the midst of surprise, in the midst of life itself...you know not that what you had that you THOUGHT was good was actually bad...noooo, you know that it being gone?....it being gone/leaving you/abandoning you/or just moving on from you is really NOT THAT BIG A DEAL...especially if you felt it coming and you knew ur mind would wrap around it...squeeze the life out of it...and then press u on to better things...

-thinking on the bright side of life :)


GROWING UP, NOT SURE IF I WANT TO BUT UNDERSTANDING I HAVE TO...

Family

What is family here for besides fighting, arguing, bickering...what use are they but for love, unity, togetherness??? Why do we have them other than to speak whats on our minds and to share long drawn out embarrassing stories?
Family; A group of people in relation to eachother not defined by blood but by morals, anger, love, hurt, pain, and thanksgiving food. (Jaden Marie Dictionary) We are the strongest unit the world has ever established...we are the storage unit that life uses to catagorize its "mess" lol...

GROWING UP, NOT SURE IF I WANT TO BUT UNDERSTANDING I HAVE TO...

Funerals

My uncle, Wesley Parham, died last week. Today we had his funeral. my first funeral. It wasn't dark and gloomy. It wasn't filled with tragic sadness, it was beautiful...the special service, the special cars (joked to have been ones rode in by Obama himself, as if thats something!) I hadn't know that he'd been in a branch of service for the USA and The guys dressed in white uniforms suprised me but at the same time i had a sence of pride. He went out in style. He had the "going home" that he deserved. There isn't a doubt in my mind where he has gone and i'm glad to have known him, i'm glad to have grown up with his children, i'm glad to have listened to him preach, teach and talk...about everything. He was truely inspiring.

-An uncle to be proud of

GROWING UP, NOT SURE IF I WANT TO BUT UNDERSTANDING I HAVE TO...

First Loves- Thoughts

"You never forget your first love" true words of some wise woman that lived somewhere during sometime in life. the first time i was in love is thought i was obbsessed, derainged, infactuated, engrossed...and any other word you can find in dictionary.com in the thesaurus section...To tell the truth a lot of girls would definitely be glad to get rid of their first love..."I wish i could just take a pill or something...to lose that so i wouldn't remember" i've heard or "What was i thinkin?" but i just realized that i don't want to forget him, i want to forgive him, i want to let him go...wholeheartedly...i want to b able to see him with someone and not get angry, hurt and disguisted...i want to be able to see him agian and not feel some kind of desire to be with him, hold him, or throw him down...knock him around or shoot him in his head. I'm sure with maturity comes a right mind or an even more advanced level of maturity...It took me a while to get over him, knowing that he didn't want me anymore, so the pain took a minute to work out of my system but i've done it...now comes the hard part...not making men pay for the mistakes that we have made in our relationship...not blaming them for somehting they knew nothing about.

-first loves always creep up...it's whether you ready for them or not that matters

GROWING UP, NOT SURE IF I WANT TO BUT UNDERSTANDING I HAVE TO...

Death Toll

I dont blame God for his death. It was a tragic but freak accident. As old church goers would say...it was his time. It still hurts, even those of us who think that we were immune to death and its vipers can scream out and cry in a momment of mindless dispair..it wraps its spiky arms around us and sticks its fangs of grief and emotional venom into our hearts...shredding our happiness until we can't think of anything else that could go wrong at this particular point in our lives. Then we think, God is doing his will..he knows exactly what he is going to do, how he is going to bring us from something and when he will show his face...it still hurts like hell but I have faith.

-trying to come to terms with life...

GROWING UP, NOT SURE IF I WANT TO BUT UNDERSTANDING I HAVE TO...

Going to the Movies

I just came back from going to see the movies with my friend Mykol (lol) it was pretty cool...i really this like the movie although it had to much cussin in it is was ok lol...hes a really cool hes going to b my hookup guy when I'm an adult and I need my car swooped up lol my Fast and the Furious guy lol...talking cars I'm hoping to get a Honda Civic (or something) with my FASFA...if all goes well I'll have license and car before school starts!!!

-ready to move on in life...cheers to making new good friends


GROWING UP, NOT SURE IF I WANT TO BUT UNDERSTANDING I HAVE TO...

Expected!!!

so i had decided that i was done being shy but it really didn't work...i was still nervous, slightly...i was still shy, a little bit...i was still unsure, uncertain...but it worked out for the best in the little time we had...i was happy with todays results... he was what i expected (definitely not a craigslist killer, mom)he wasn't trying to molest me or cop a unwanted feel... he was as awesome as he is on the phone on a day to day basis...

-thankx baby...hope you feel the same!

GROWING UP, NOT SURE IF I WANT TO BUT UNDERSTANDING I HAVE TO...

Motivational Trainer

If i was really passionate about it i would become a personal fitness trainer... there is just a joy in listening to people talk about losing weight or about their determination to get their body to the way they want it. My mom is losing weight and fast (if you really think about the amount of time she's put into it and how much she's lost)and it is just amazing to hear the happiness in her voice... My sister and i have decided to start running and getting 'more in shape' and it's super fun (nevermind the fact that it is hot as hell outside) Knowing that i could help people achieve their goal and do what they want in life is refreshing...but i'm not going to persue that career and so i guess i'm just going to have to help people from the outer lanes of life...

-Trying to shape the world!!!!

GROWING UP, NOT SURE IF I WANT TO BUT UNDERSTANDING I HAVE TO...

In My Book

In my book, he and I are forever..our minds twisting together to become one or hearts responding to the same beat...our emotions corresponding in the best of ways,
I my book he and I are friends for life...we take care of eachothers every desire mentally and physically, our souls mating as we are drawn closer together
...

We are young and some would say too young to have already found the self proclaimed soulmate...and I dont agree but because life is unpredictable...it has us sitting on the edge of our seats wondering whats happening next and whether it will make us cry or scare the daylights out of us...i know that there might b a possibility that I am not the woman God has for him and I know thay we have both have agreed that should that b the case we will both remain friends and let the other b happy and he means it genuinely and I do also...but I'm not ready to give him up...idk if I ever will b but I know if its what he would need to b happy I am ready to give it to him

-Not knowing the future scares me but every one needs a little scare every now and then.

GROWING UP, NOT SURE IF I WANT TO BUT UNDERSTANDING I HAVE TO...

Feeling What Your Feeling

I've noticed something wierd about me these last few years. i can sense other poeples emotions. this isn't like some "cool power" someone can have because there is nothing nice about it. this isn't one of those things where people are happy and i can smell the lavender and feel the sun beaming on my skin. it's a strong storm charging it's way through my mind, as if all happy days are over. I don't feel the good emotions but the bad ones. i can just be in the same room with someone and not even see them and i can already "feel" them. thinking back i realize i've had this since i was younger but it seemed as if back then i was so emmersed in my anger that noticing that i felt any emotions from other people was immediately drowned out. also, the strange thing is that i don't feel them as an outside feeling, i actually FEEL the emotions.
Prime Examply:
One day while sitting in my old church Bethlehem, during a very dull and uninspiring message i felt a strange feeling. suddenly my eyes filled with tears as a grief so strong wracked my body and made my shoulders shiver (feel like crying just writing about it) in my mind a pain so hard to bare beat away at my mental defenses and i felt warm tears begin to slid down my cheeks. mom's left hand brushed agianst my knee as i lean forward, placing my head in my hands. she whispered in my ear "Whats wrong?" i leaned over to her and shook my head. then the doors to the santuary opened and in walked three women, two holding each other and the last tagging along. their walk from the doors to the alter was shaky as they cried with grief. i'm not sure what had seemed to cause their tears, they spoke softly but i don't know if a father or a brother had died that morning but i know he was close. i had taken the few tissues that mom had given me and cleaned my face. after a prayer was given up to the mourning family they walked out no longer crying but still the same long, solemn faces. as soon as church was over i pulld out my poetry journal and had wrote a poem (which will be typed later)
Prime Example 2:
this same day when i got home Dez and me went to our room to change out of our church clothes. i told her i had a poem i wanted her to read and tell me what she thought (something she seemed always welcome to do when i wrote a new poem) she sat down to read it and i went to use the restroom. while washing my hands i suddenly felt this cloud of sadness start to take over my mind and i knew it was happening again. when i came out of the restroom Dez was sitting on the bed writing on the page next to (or on back of i can't remember) the poem i'd wrote. when i asked her what was wrong she started crying telling me how stressed she was and she apologized (something she rarely does) for putting her emotions on me. i told her that the poem was about the girls at church that morning and that there was nothing she could do about it. i felt the sadness in me grow deeper and felt my eyes start to water. she started telling me about her sisters and brothers and the story about her aunt (story i won't get into) i didn't want to cry cause i knew if i did it wouldn't help her any, so i tried to keep a level voice and talk calmly to her. after about an hour of talking i felt the "cloud" begin to rise and knew she'd gotten herself together.

i dont' know how its happened but now that i'm thinking about it i really don't remember the first time it happened and also have come to a conclusion. i think a lot of the anger issues i developed once i can remember the abuse starting might have come from other people. as if possibly i couldn't have the anger and it envelope me, controling my mind, thoughts, body and emotions. i'm thinking once it did this that this is where the constant depression, chronic thoughts of suicide and phobias came from...
just a theory but i know i'm still considered crazy no matter who believes me or how convincing i sound, people will always view me as a freak emotionally, mentally and...who else would want to become friends with someone named Irma...

-Your feelings, my food for thought....

GROWING UP, NOT SURE IF I WANT TO BUT UNDERSTANDING I HAVE TO...

It Is Uncomplicated

Though i know that we just started talking and we haven't met in person yet i feel a connection to him that i have only had once before...and that connection bloomed and blossumed into something completely different, something kinda like immature love. He makes me smile at the most inappropriate momments and gives me advice that i gladly take in hand. He drives me crazy when we aren't talking and i wish i could hold him close and never let go when we are. I must admitt that i am scared, scared of the unknown, scared of the COULD-HAPPENS...but i am going into this anyways...i know that i am not a fortune teller and even if i was i wouldn't want to know my fate with ihm, i'm just glad i will live it...i know that most would be skeptic but i'm optimistic about us, i want us to last and i know that whatever happens we will always be friends...(though i would prefer that things went beyond that)
Before now i felt like i knew them, those other guys...but i realized that i knew them in person but only on the surface...where as him? i know him not enough but more so than the person sitting across or behind me...I'm sure that he feels in some way about me and he has expressed his thoughts about me but i just hope that he genuinely wants me in his future and that all will grow from there...Its one of those 'wake up in the morning and first thought is a smile to my lips and a blush to my cheeks' kinda things...

-Thinking of Chris

GROWING UP, NOT SURE IF I WANT TO BUT UNDERSTANDING I HAVE TO...

Whats Up Society

So my sister Lovly Walker and i decided to start a webshow. It's going to be awesome we are too excited...only thing is we already have the first videos and we still don't know what we want to do. so ppl will just randomly watch us talk and walk around the plaza doing nothing for the first few times we upload...we promise once we get it all figured out it will be freaking awesome

GROWING UP, NOT SURE IF I WANT TO BUT UNDERSTANDING I HAVE TO...

Tornado

ok so we just had a tornado scare. It is scary indeed and i hope everyone who lived in those places that had gotten hit that they will be alright. This is a serious time for everyone...

GROWING UP, NOT SURE IF I WANT TO BUT UNDERSTANDING I HAVE TO...

Gradification

I can feel the satisfaction from knowing i'm graduating from highschool burning in my chest. although things didn't end the way i really wanted them to in some areas i can seriously so i'm glad to be gone. i don't really want to remember a lot of things from here though. i will miss some friends but theres facebook, i will miss some teachers but theres email...i'm not really to inclined to come back. I'm going to KU next year...going to be a JayHawk and i'm freakin excited!!! i love Lawrence. i definitely wish the summer was already gone, i already had the money i need and i already took the classes i have to take during the summer....ugh...don't really want to do that but if it gets me in...it gets me in
-can't wait to go to college!!!

GROWING UP, NOT SURE IF I WANT TO BUT UNDERSTANDING I HAVE TO...

Verbal Abuse Kills Small Child

noone ever thinks about how the children feel. they are caught up in the love they no longer believe is real. they want to cry and scream and shout and really they are the selfish ones. they want to say that they thought about their children and decided what was best for them but really they are pretending that they have it all figured together.
and then there are the ones that hate their children. they pretend like it's their fault cuz THEY gave birth to them...as if it's THEIR fault that they were born into such an unhappy marriage...

ugh i can't even talk about this anymore...ugh it's sad, those who have life worse than me..it makes me wanna cry

GROWING UP, NOT SURE IF I WANT TO BUT UNDERSTANDING I HAVE TO...

How They Gonna Say Anything

I hate it when people criticize how i live my life when their life is a piece of crap...as if they have done all the right things and made all the right moves. or even those people who have had rough lives and believe those how are maybe not doing all that they need to do in life are a waste of fresh air. People are always quick to judge me as if i'm such a bad person that they can't stand to be around me. Those people who hurt me or say curt things to me that they think i shouldn't be offended by and then got the nerve to come to me about something hurtful i must have did months ago that i don't remember...or the fact that people treat me like crap and then when i have that off day and maybe say something totally out of line (that i usually immediately apologize for) they want to jump down my throat and say how much they wish they'd never met me....

It really burns my soul how people always want to compare themselves to me...you say you broke your leg in the fifth grade by falling out of a tree, they say they broke their arm AND their leg by getting hit by a car...in fourth grade. You tell them you got adopted and tried to turn your life around from being a sadistic crazed kid to a well-to-do woman with a future, and they say their parents both died when they were five and they lived on the streets and now they plan to own a law firm.

Its as if no matter where i go there is always someone there trying to tell me how unworthy, untalented, not-as-smart, incompetent, egotistically competive and down right selfish i am, and they don't even look at themselves and see by them just telling me that it makes them seem judgemental, angry-at-the-world and untrustworthy. It prooves that i can't tell them my secrets without them trying to through it up in my face just to show me how lesser of a person i am compared to them.

Well i'm tired of being the pushover, i'm tired of trusting people who i know in the end are there for nothing and are only sticking around to do nothing but mess up my life...i can't even imagine how i let my heart get this fragile, how i turned from the i-don't-care little girl that i started to be into this i-guess-i-can-let-that-slide teenager/adult that i am. No more letting people get to close, no more trusting blindly...I have a hard guard up and noone is going to break through it...

I trust noone with my heart but Marcus, my bestfriend in the entire world...and hopefully he doesn't either kill my heart or kill over anytime soon.

-Done being a wuss

GROWING UP, NOT SURE IF I WANT TO BUT UNDERSTANDING I HAVE TO...

Imagine Me Dying

So to tell you something completely strange and weird that i do that i most likely shouldn't do but only do because i'm one of the most imaginatively crazy people in the world...

ok so i kill people off in my mind...i use the world around me and what i know about life and i kill them off..i study what my reaction to them dying would be like...i cry and i scream and i shout (in my mind of course)but now i understand it was just my way to cope...ill most likely keep doing it...it calms me down lol :)

i know i'm crazy
-glad not still violent

GROWING UP, NOT SURE IF I WANT TO BUT UNDERSTANDING I HAVE TO...

Thinking About the Real Future

Ok so if you really think about it life is a fairy tale, there are the women who have stepmothers who are jealous because their fathers love them more, there are the girls who get left behind, there are the women who marry men who they love. there are the evil women of the world who set out just to make your life more difficult than it already is. But you really just have to look outside of the box on all the other things...the kids whose parents negociate to get them back from serial killers and kidnappers and those people who turn out to be serial killers because they were bullied in school... No matter what happens at the end of this fairytale there is always someone who gets left out, who gets hurt or even killed...what's their story? do we even care? how many people have died and (yes they might have been the bad person in the story) we didn't even look at what their family might have felt, thought or did to get over that loss?
-just randomly thinking from when talking to Dobson

GROWING UP, NOT SURE IF I WANT TO BUT UNDERSTANDING I HAVE TO...

Allergies and Confused Minds

The only thing worse than having really bad allergies is nursing a broken heart while having those allergies. Its like, dang i don't feel good and i'm hurt (not in the physical sence but mentally) Its like you can't breathe through your nose which makes you sound like a horse trying to breathe out your mouth and on top of that you are emotionally drained. I'm stressed out about college money, highschool grades and life in general, i have no time to be falling in love and getting my heart broken....so why do i?

GROWING UP, NOT SURE IF I WANT TO BUT UNDERSTANDING I HAVE TO...

Since Your Breaking My Heart, Hope I Die

So maybe fairytales don't come true, maybe there is a land somewhere that is beautiful and just flowing with milk and honey but princesses don't find princes, beautiful maidens don't go into kiss-cured coma's and women who are extremely tired don't become trapped by dragons. So i just want to know why i believed it all did? when did i think that there was actually a place where guys really do love more than one woman and pick the truest one, or that guys who are broke just admitt it instead of standing you up, or there might be somewhere out there someone who DOESN'T want you to become a bare-foot and pregnant wife before the age of nineteen, or the guys that want to be with you but also be shared with five other girls, or even the guys who believe they are more beautiful than you are... i don't know why i believed that somewhere there is a happy ending. Chilvary has died and romance climbed in the grave and baried itself right along with it. Love is vapor and goes where ever the wind blows and may even dissipitate if your not careful with how you treat it. I can't remember a time when my heart was frail. a time where i couldn't deal with the pain, i remember suicidal thoughts and angry mutulations of my own esteem but i've been strong all my life...i've been through so much and people tend to say that i haven't been through enough to really effect me (but what the hell do they know? how the hell are they going to tell me? they definitely weren't there to be a shield when i was getting physically abused and i definitely don't remember them putting their hands over my ears to block out the continuous verbal abuse) but it has. I am who i am today because of my past. and though now, in the future, my heart is broken in fifty millions pieces, i' m sure that i will pick them up. I will heal, I will move on...and even though i cry at the thought of missing him now that he's gone? i don't regret it never happened...I love him and i wish that one day, he finds the happiness that he deserves...because all the pain he is enduring now??? its a straight shot towards unhealthy and i wish i would've been able to show that to him...
-Nutritional Healer for the Heart

GROWING UP, NOT SURE IF I WANT TO BUT UNDERSTANDING I HAVE TO...

Medicine For My Heart

I didn't want to flip and change the script
but since it was my heart on the line,
i played the riff and changed the whole story plot
starting with a hardcore base of drums and emotion beats
to soft slow ribbons of heart strung strings

somewhere beneath the base there is a softly crying violin
its weeping voice tearing holes into my resolution
ripping gaps through my soul
and yet i still feel the same, my heart burning
my fingers shaking
my chest pounding and my inner sanctum breaking...

Can't remember why but for some reason?
my body is mellow, as if being put to rest,
as if this is the answer...
and i produce the movie of medicine for my heart

-only trying to come to terms with my decisions

GROWING UP, NOT SURE IF I WANT TO BUT UNDERSTANDING I HAVE TO...

Anger and Frustration

Its like my soul is on fire, there is a burning in my heart just for revenge,
Catching some deep thoughts agianst my chest, hoping that they won't detonate and leave me breathless and helpless
i'm always in some calm reserve, holding back the fullness of my rage,
deeming to be one of those "beware my wrath" types
only to descover that i have more self-control i give myself credit for, knowing that if my buttons are pushed, which they are regularly, then i won't wile out like i believed i would
that i would be able to hold my blistering rage inside and maybe the person i want to explode on might actually be able to walk away with limbs still attached and mind still in tact.
not to say the same for me, holding it all in the rooms of my mind fills my conscience to capacity, stretching my self-control until one day i just might explode
I'm just hoping there will be noone there to be caught in the mess that is left behind...
- not really worried but still thinking of the outcome of my long overdue rage hapence

GROWING UP, NOT SURE IF I WANT TO BUT UNDERSTANDING I HAVE TO...

I'm Happy, But IDK If I Should Be Just Yet

so you make me happy, i mean of course you know that, but you would be better off hearing it from me. For some reason our personalities fit so well that i chuckle at the worst situations and you make me smile in spite of my pain. There is honestly that butterfly feeling in my stomach that people speak about but i must admitt...it doesn't feel anything like butterflies. its like a heat in my checks when i blush but running the course of my body. its a sweet feeling that apparently happens constantly because in this short amount of time i've been happier than i've been in a while...and it's due to you, theres no beating around the bush here, in this (whatever you call it) relationship. When i first heard you liked me, and how long its been i had that beautiful burning sensation again and i knew that maybe we could work something out because for once i don't feel like this is going to be one sided...and i know you have things in your life that you need to take care of but i want to be there for you, and help you through whatever (not that i'm possitive that i would be good at that, i just hope so)
-just thinking of you in a realistic sence

GROWING UP, NOT SURE IF I WANT TO BUT UNDERSTANDING I HAVE TO...

Picking My Room, Roommate, and Meal Plan for KU

Ok so on friday i asked my mom could i borrow three hundred and fifty dollars so that i could pay my housing fee and pick my room and meal plan and all that super exciting stuff. and i had gotten paid on that thursday so of course i was at least going to be able to give her one hundred dollars so i'd end up only owing her two hundred and fifty (now to get off of math...ugh) she said yes of course and so i paid online and went directly to the housing dept. all excited. (it was unknown to me that they would have to manually unlock my account so that i can pick my room) Super frustrated i went about my friday angry. On saturday i did the (somewhat) usual- went to UMKC for the now-not-funded- Scholars Pipeline Program, got stood up for a date and then went and kicked it for the rest of the night with four of my friends. I then got home to a little talking-to from my mom after once again trying to get on the internet to see if it would work but that didn't turn out the way i'd planned and so i cleaned the bathrooms and went to sleep. Sunday i did the usualy- Went to Lenexa Christian Church (which is amazing, might i add) and then in between work and church i once agian tried to pick my room and all that and it still didn't work, now even more frustrated i talked to a friend and he calmed me down, apparently i just needed to stop being sad all the time (his words) and so i picked my head up and figured that tomorrow (which is today in now terms) i would just call up there and see what is going on. for the rest of the day i was cool (at least about this sorta thing) and i called this morning to find out they had to unlock my account manually (mentioned earlier)....all has been well just hopefully my roommate and i will get along :)
- no longer frustrated prospective college student :)

GROWING UP, NOT SURE IF I WANT TO BUT UNDERSTANDING I HAVE TO...

Becoming A Spinster

ok so i don't know to much to say on this subject. i could say that maybe starting reading romance novels at such a young age probably most likely messed me up for how guys really are in real life. i have standards that maybe possibly only guys in those books can live up to. I don't want to lower my standards and i don't want to become a spinster either. it makes me frustrated though because it seems like all the guys i tend to go out with end up being the ones who get majorly attached or they are so dis-attached that i feel like they don't even like me the way they claim to do. I'm kind of angry at myself for that though because i know that guys only treat me that way because i have let them...i used to not care so much so it wouldn't really be that big of a deal if a guy left me stranded on the plaza for a couple of hours, or if a guy stood me up and then ended up being at the place we were supposed to meet later on in the day, or if he cheated on me and i cheated back to make him feel bad but it did nothing but show me how much of a wuss i am because its not that i'm scared to speak my mind it's that i'm angry because i want to and i know i would blow up and then i would say things and possibly do things that i don't want to do. and that would do nothing but make me mad :( gosh i wish things where as easy as when older people say "You have your life, young one, to find someone to love"

GROWING UP, NOT SURE IF I WANT TO BUT UNDERSTANDING I HAVE TO...

Can't Loose My Brother, But Will I?

So we've been together for how long? I've been your sister since i was born and you've been my brother since the same and yet for these last few years you have been acting like i'm some kind of lepor. I have been trying to get in touch with you...i have been trying to act like the sister i know i can be to you if you only gave me a chance...i know i'm a very prideful person but i will admitt that i love you and i will admitt that i miss you and that i want you to come back to me. before you did somethings that i didn't like, things that made me never want to forgive you, but honestly i must also admitt some of it is my fault. i have a hand in my past and i have a hand in my future and so anything that went wrong with us is as much my fault as it is yours. but must you continue to punish me for something i most likely don't remember ever doing? I can't even believe that you would let us go this far with out talking, that you would even attempt to pretend like i'm not your sister. I know that our biological mother has already spread to everyone that i'm not a good person and i'm no longer apart of her family and that i am not and will never be her child but must you follow in her footsteps? must you pretend like i'm not the sister who, when we were younger before everything went wrong, you said "It's you and me against the world" to? I'm just trying to figure out if it's to late for us...because you seem to be acting like it is....i just want to know ahead of time so i can prepare myself for whatever is in my future.
-sister seeking information

GROWING UP AND NOT SURE IF I WANT TO BUT UNDERSTAND THAT I HAVE TO.

Failure

There is this fear i have. it is a fear of failure, i can't seem to shake it. i've had it all my life. It makes me think that maybe if i hadn't been told all the negative things about me when i was younger then maybe it's because for the same reason. I've had this fear of failure that reaccures in my life over and over again. let's see, when i was a kid i took up cheerleading, and then i quit because i thought that i looked stupid kicking my feet up and down yelling and stuff but i was totally ok with the whole dance routine thing. ok so after that i took piano. i felt like i was good enough to just go to my lesson and never play outside of there because i didn't need all of that. I also did cheerleading in sixth and seventh grade, but i was a punk and i was shy around all the preppy white girls who were rich and thought that i was below them because i was neither white nor rich. i then started to be on the dance team when i was in eighth grade and i was really good but once agian i was shy and i got into trouble and my mom told me i couldn't do it and though i cried i was sorta relieved that i didn't have to find a reason on my own to back out of it. Over the course of Highschool i attempted to run track, freshman year i attended the whole conditioning session and the half of the season but then i ended up quiting (for reasons i can't understand) from then on (sophomore year) i was just out of shape and too shy and i had a job (at least that was my other excuse) so there i am, irma the girl who has a fear of failure. I can't let this go on. I can't let this allow me to ruin the rest of my highschool career or make me stop working or make me some how flunk out of college.

SITTIN AND THINKING AND DREAMIN...i'm so cool

My G1

Ok so i seriously can't explain to you how frustrating to see all these super good deals on craigslist for a G1 and then find out nintey-five percent of them are already sold. and then when i did find a guy who was willing to give me the phone, the wall charger, the car charger, the box it came in, and a memory card all for $75 (which is one of the best deals a girl can ask for the 'couple hundred' dollar phone) he turns out to be living in NorthKC and i have 1. no way to get out there and 2. even if i did ask my bro to go pick it up for me i'd have to wait until he decided that he liked me enough to go get it(lol) and then maybe bring it to my house and then i'd have to run up to the kiosk at ward parkway mall and sign up to get the prepaid plan that is $50 a month (knowing that it is kinda a good deal but then again kinda not a good deal because i don't even get unlimitted data and so i'd have to try super hard not to get on the internet as much) but other than the obsticales that tend to get in my way constantly with this phone i am determined to get it and i really hope that i get it today (seeing as i get paid today and anyone asking for the money won't have to wait that long for me to give it to them since it's just a short trip up to the bank) anyways....i hope my mom remembers to ask my bro and my bro says yes about picking it up and the guy is telling the truth about the phone being in great condition and that the charger ACTUALLY works with the phone....
- freak out for the day

SITTIN AND THINKING AND DREAMIN...i'm so cool

Senioritis

I believe i have a bad case of senioritis (not that i wouldn't mind admitting that i've had it since sophomore year) that i just can't seem to get rid of. I don't want to do homework, school work, i'm definitely not trying my best on my Physics 2 tests and i swear the last time i wrote an essay for english class people still rode around in buggy's and couples still had to have chaperones for rides around the park. I can't even think about what is going to happen tomorrow because i'm trying to catch up to last week. My brain is mush and i can't even decide what to wear in the mornings (thank you to my sister Dezerae i didn't leave out of the house this morning buck naked) For the last month and a half i've had a never ending job that makes me too tired and so i slept in a class for the first time in months (like the whole lay your head down, eyes closed and dreaming about being rich kind of sleep) and i lost twenty five points in the process...i swear even though i knew i still didn't see it coming. i don't even feel like putting on eye liner this morning but knowing i'd look ugly as hell considering how my eyes have bags under them from not enough sleep and my hair is jacked from sweating at work and my allergies tend to make my facial features swell....i just had to in the last couple of minutes..and i still look like crap. I don't know how the rest of this year will go but hopefully it will go quickly and i will graduate passing all my classes with a C and hopefully with more money from my FAFSA so i won't be a worryhead this summer....
-Jacked up Teenager :(

SITTIN AND THINKING AND DREAMIN...i'm so cool

Thinking of you

For some reason i can't seem to take my mind off of you. not that i would want to if i could but seriously i feel like i'm stalking you with my brain. your face preoccupies my minds photo album your voice fills my body's voice box you characteristics constantly remind me of why i like you, i feel like i'm going to cry. I'm not normally the mushy type but i take it you are so when you tell me things like i'm beautiful and that i'm your princess you make me feel a whole lot better and actually make me feel like you really honestly like me. you say that you feel like your falling for me and i'm not sure if thats a good thing or a bad thing. to say on the optimistic side, i am flattered and hope soon that i will feel the same way because i actually think you and i are going to work. to say on the pessimistic side, i'm scared i might not measure up to your expectations. everyone tells every girl that she never should lower her standards but do they say the same to boys? do boys actually have standards for the girls they choose to have sex with, for girls they choose to date? because for some reason the good guys are always caught up with girls that either do them wrong or are bad for them. I don't want to be that for you and though you reassure me that i am what you want i can't help but to be wary of your feelings or be wary of how i am around you or if what i just said might have been the deal breaker or given you the way out that you wanted...So just sitting here thinking of you, on my way to feeling the same way about you as you do me, and you'll never know because i know you will never read this,
- your princess

SITTIN AND THINKING AND DREAMIN...i'm so cool

A long time coming

Ok so hi, i haven't wrote, typed, talked whatever you want to call it in a long while...you can't really ask me why, well you could but i won't seriously have a valid answer. i've been busy and i know thats no excuse to wait almost a whole year and a half before i decided that blogging is actually cool. again. I have achieved so much since we talked last. I am a senior in high school, I am a prospective student at the University of Kansas, entering into the Architecture Department. I haven't been doing that well in school though because i've been working my butt off at the kansas city convention center. I get out of school at 3:46 and i have to be at work at 4 and then i get off at 12:30 (and sometimes later than that but i've chosen not to work past one)
I was just coming back and reading all my other blogs and i realized i was a pretty smart girl sometime ago. kinda makes me wonder what happened because for some reason lately my brain has been acting like it has no clue what it wants to do, what it wants to learn, why i'm feeding it the knowledge that i am...it's just been acting crazy.
I have to go to my next class now so i'll talk to you the next time i blog....LONG TIME NO SEE!


SITTIN AND THINKING AND DREAMIN...i'm so cool