I've noticed something wierd about me these last few years. i can sense other poeples emotions. this isn't like some "cool power" someone can have because there is nothing nice about it. this isn't one of those things where people are happy and i can smell the lavender and feel the sun beaming on my skin. it's a strong storm charging it's way through my mind, as if all happy days are over. I don't feel the good emotions but the bad ones. i can just be in the same room with someone and not even see them and i can already "feel" them. thinking back i realize i've had this since i was younger but it seemed as if back then i was so emmersed in my anger that noticing that i felt any emotions from other people was immediately drowned out. also, the strange thing is that i don't feel them as an outside feeling, i actually FEEL the emotions.
Prime Examply:
One day while sitting in my old church Bethlehem, during a very dull and uninspiring message i felt a strange feeling. suddenly my eyes filled with tears as a grief so strong wracked my body and made my shoulders shiver (feel like crying just writing about it) in my mind a pain so hard to bare beat away at my mental defenses and i felt warm tears begin to slid down my cheeks. mom's left hand brushed agianst my knee as i lean forward, placing my head in my hands. she whispered in my ear "Whats wrong?" i leaned over to her and shook my head. then the doors to the santuary opened and in walked three women, two holding each other and the last tagging along. their walk from the doors to the alter was shaky as they cried with grief. i'm not sure what had seemed to cause their tears, they spoke softly but i don't know if a father or a brother had died that morning but i know he was close. i had taken the few tissues that mom had given me and cleaned my face. after a prayer was given up to the mourning family they walked out no longer crying but still the same long, solemn faces. as soon as church was over i pulld out my poetry journal and had wrote a poem (which will be typed later)
Prime Example 2:
this same day when i got home Dez and me went to our room to change out of our church clothes. i told her i had a poem i wanted her to read and tell me what she thought (something she seemed always welcome to do when i wrote a new poem) she sat down to read it and i went to use the restroom. while washing my hands i suddenly felt this cloud of sadness start to take over my mind and i knew it was happening again. when i came out of the restroom Dez was sitting on the bed writing on the page next to (or on back of i can't remember) the poem i'd wrote. when i asked her what was wrong she started crying telling me how stressed she was and she apologized (something she rarely does) for putting her emotions on me. i told her that the poem was about the girls at church that morning and that there was nothing she could do about it. i felt the sadness in me grow deeper and felt my eyes start to water. she started telling me about her sisters and brothers and the story about her aunt (story i won't get into) i didn't want to cry cause i knew if i did it wouldn't help her any, so i tried to keep a level voice and talk calmly to her. after about an hour of talking i felt the "cloud" begin to rise and knew she'd gotten herself together.
i dont' know how its happened but now that i'm thinking about it i really don't remember the first time it happened and also have come to a conclusion. i think a lot of the anger issues i developed once i can remember the abuse starting might have come from other people. as if possibly i couldn't have the anger and it envelope me, controling my mind, thoughts, body and emotions. i'm thinking once it did this that this is where the constant depression, chronic thoughts of suicide and phobias came from...
just a theory but i know i'm still considered crazy no matter who believes me or how convincing i sound, people will always view me as a freak emotionally, mentally and...who else would want to become friends with someone named Irma...
-Your feelings, my food for thought....
GROWING UP, NOT SURE IF I WANT TO BUT UNDERSTANDING I HAVE TO...
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