Dealing With Fear

The other day a very odd and weird thing happened. One night, I was laying in bed next to Sherron while we were spending a few days in his hometown in OK. His younger brother had switched around the bed and so therefore I would have to sleep against the wall (which I would always do when we slept together). Anyway so when I woke up sometime during the night , I remember reaching out in front of me and feeling solid. I couldn't feel Sherron anywhere. Instantly panic set in...I can't tell you exactly what I was thinking at that moment because it's pretty fuzzy but I do know that I thought that I was either in a box or had been forced into some small area. I instantly began to cry out and then I felt him grabbing at me. The only thing that completely registered at that moment was him reassuring me. I remember that I couldn't stop crying and I couldn't stop shaking. I know things in my past have caused me to be scared or afraid but I'd thought I'd gotten over all childhood scares. Apparently this is one that I don't remember to well but...my body does. I have only had one other time when I've freaked out before and it was as a small kid when I'd been shut into a dark and hot attic. I'd thought that no one would find me and that I'd die there. I believe it's really time to let this fear go, to banish it. I don't want to wake up that way any longer. After he'd assured me that I was fine, we watched a movie. Still after we'd stop watching it I tried to go back to sleep but I couldn't. No matter how hard I closed my eyes and tried to put myself to sleep, I couldn't shake the fact that I wasn't ENTIRELY sure that I wasn't going to wake up locked up. Eventually, he had to hold me until I fell asleep. When I'd woke up I remembered what'd happened and my eyes watered but I didn't cry. It's really about time to let go. The light in me sees the light in you.

Thoughts

I guess I just realized that my philosophy for life has been wrong. I used to think that in order to be happy I had to be famous, or well known around the US. But I don't, having a decent job and a nice apartment works well for me. I would like to be a writer. When I was younger I thought that in order to be a successful Author you had to be like Nora Roberts or some one like that but recently I realized I don't need to get a Best Sellers title in order to be successful. I want to be an artist and an author in one. I look forward to the time that I am an actual adult. The day when I pay my own bills, maybe have an apartment in an ideal city and a guy by my side. That is my dream for now. My later life dreams later... So I guess I've decided to be an artist. Going to major in Art and minor in English... I can become a better writer when I'm writing. I believe that I can become a better Artist by going to school better, that is what I'm going to do. Present dream made, future dream will be forming...soon. The light in me sees the light in you.