beauty

So i was told that i am pretty. Ive been told that my whole life but ive always been told i was ugly. I didnt let any of it get to me but to finally be able to wear makeup and then hear the words that i am ugly without makeup. That i cant possibly be pretty unless i have makeup on unsettles me a little. Actually it does more than that it actually hurts me but who cares about that.
SITTIN AND THINKING AND DREAMIN...i'm so cool

Recently

so i can't exactly say when and where but i can say here and sometimes. i feel as if the world is closing in around me. as if i'm going crazy and there is nothing i can do to stop it. i feel as if to stay in control i have to run miles and i have to drink acid i have to dance until my feet bleed i have to sing until my throat is raw. i have no clue how to describe how i feel without making it sound as if some insane girl decided to write suicide notes in third person. i write a poem i write a song and yet it is doing nothing. i can do mothing at all but sit and think and sit and believe and yet it is doing nothing.
i know i am making no sense and yet i am still trying to explain the inevitable to you.
SITTIN AND THINKING AND DREAMIN...i'm so cool

Wondering

so sometimes i just be thinking about life. wondering why we do the things we do. say the things we say. act the way other people want us to but then that brings me to the question of why people want us to think the way they want us to. why they don't just let us thinkg the way we want to. i can't even think of the way the world would be if people could think for themselves and make their own disicions. this would be a different world both for the good and for the bad. so why even bother trying to change the world when we know that once we try bad things could come from it. bad things woucld happen and it would be all our fault. we would be the revolutionist who tried to change the world and instead made a diaster of the place we, humans, call home.
but then agian are we to be called crazy for believing that if it is the unknown that we know nothing about then should we stand up for it all risks aside and all boundaries unthought of? should we lay down in a society where they pretend that they want us to think for ourselves and yet propaganda makes it almost impossible for us to even trust our siblings, bestfriends or even neighborhood watch? i wonder who would just sit and think of things like this... no one. and that is because the longer we sit and not stand, crawl and not walk, slump and not walk up right: then we are not the humans that God has inspired for us to be. BECAUSE WE HAVE NO VOICE IF WE SIT WITH OUR MOUTHS GLUED SHUT.

SITTIN AND THINKING AND DREAMIN...i'm so cool

so today i went to the plaza with my boyfriend kaleb. it was one of the funnest days of my life. (in my very short life) we went to eat at P.F. changs(sp?) and then we got ice cream next door and then we went into this shop that had a lot of paintings in it. they were beautiful and made me think back on the days where i used to be really good at all that artsy and musicy stuff. now i'm mediocre and i don't even know how to say that without thinking of all the things i would have should have could have done when i was a little kid if i hadn't spent the time making my adopted parents pay for all the things that my birth parents did or didn't do.
anyways back to the date. so then we go into barnes and nobles and we get my dad a christmas gift and my cousing one to.. it was the greatest thing ever in the world and then after that we went to the cinemax and watched the coolest movie ever. it was called The Princess and the Frog. it was so romantic that i couldn't help but to get giddy and teary eyed afterwards. and then after my mom had to come pick me and him up and take us to my house so that his mother could pick him up. then i completely ruined the mood by going off about something that was totally remedial. i feel so dumb i almost cried because i was so mean. i don't even know how i could do that to him. how could i totally ruin the mood like that. i don't even know what i was thinking! well got to go for now. bye talk to you soon. have a merry christmas!!!!
SITTIN AND THINKING AND DREAMIN...i'm so cool

Poison

ok so it's funny. well maybe not funny now but i'm sure it will be funny after all this passes.
my boyfriend Kaleb accidentally poisoned me with his chapstick. he bought some of the burt's bee's honey chapstick stuff and i'm allergic to something in it. it was funny at first cause everytime he would try to kiss me it would make me light headed. i thought it was funny making a joke out of it. i didn't know that it was because of the chapstick. later as i was in track i was putting it on trying to unchap my lips and low and behold lightheadedness came back almost immediately. almost killed me as i was lifting. it's not so funny now. at first it was mild but now it's doing a lot worse than that: it makes my head hurt, my eyes are swolling, i keep coughing and i threw up from the 'nauseousness' i don't like this chapstick anymore and i really know he didn't do it on purpose but it's like dang. next time he trys to kiss me i know i'm going to be wary. probably not kiss him for a minute.

So today is the first day of the blog. i'm excited. i know i'm not going to be able to blog everyday since my life is so filled with work and school and sports etc. etc. etc. but i'm hoping i will be able to dedicate my life to something as cazy as this. i've never thought of doing this before but i guess it's a good idea.
you know. i'm going to share things with you, reader, that i'm scared to share with anyone. it's probably because i know that even though i am shy, you not being here, me not being able to see you everyday, or talk to you on the phone, or keep some kind of physical correspondance kinda helps me with my whole anti-social, scared to open up and let people in deal. i guess this is all i have to say. just beware i'm not perfect i'm like a normal seventeen year old. besides the fact that i'm different in so many different levels that people don't seem to understand me. (well, we'll save that for a different day) goodbye. blog to you soon. lol