Funerals

My uncle, Wesley Parham, died last week. Today we had his funeral. my first funeral. It wasn't dark and gloomy. It wasn't filled with tragic sadness, it was beautiful...the special service, the special cars (joked to have been ones rode in by Obama himself, as if thats something!) I hadn't know that he'd been in a branch of service for the USA and The guys dressed in white uniforms suprised me but at the same time i had a sence of pride. He went out in style. He had the "going home" that he deserved. There isn't a doubt in my mind where he has gone and i'm glad to have known him, i'm glad to have grown up with his children, i'm glad to have listened to him preach, teach and talk...about everything. He was truely inspiring.

-An uncle to be proud of

GROWING UP, NOT SURE IF I WANT TO BUT UNDERSTANDING I HAVE TO...

First Loves- Thoughts

"You never forget your first love" true words of some wise woman that lived somewhere during sometime in life. the first time i was in love is thought i was obbsessed, derainged, infactuated, engrossed...and any other word you can find in dictionary.com in the thesaurus section...To tell the truth a lot of girls would definitely be glad to get rid of their first love..."I wish i could just take a pill or something...to lose that so i wouldn't remember" i've heard or "What was i thinkin?" but i just realized that i don't want to forget him, i want to forgive him, i want to let him go...wholeheartedly...i want to b able to see him with someone and not get angry, hurt and disguisted...i want to be able to see him agian and not feel some kind of desire to be with him, hold him, or throw him down...knock him around or shoot him in his head. I'm sure with maturity comes a right mind or an even more advanced level of maturity...It took me a while to get over him, knowing that he didn't want me anymore, so the pain took a minute to work out of my system but i've done it...now comes the hard part...not making men pay for the mistakes that we have made in our relationship...not blaming them for somehting they knew nothing about.

-first loves always creep up...it's whether you ready for them or not that matters

GROWING UP, NOT SURE IF I WANT TO BUT UNDERSTANDING I HAVE TO...

Death Toll

I dont blame God for his death. It was a tragic but freak accident. As old church goers would say...it was his time. It still hurts, even those of us who think that we were immune to death and its vipers can scream out and cry in a momment of mindless dispair..it wraps its spiky arms around us and sticks its fangs of grief and emotional venom into our hearts...shredding our happiness until we can't think of anything else that could go wrong at this particular point in our lives. Then we think, God is doing his will..he knows exactly what he is going to do, how he is going to bring us from something and when he will show his face...it still hurts like hell but I have faith.

-trying to come to terms with life...

GROWING UP, NOT SURE IF I WANT TO BUT UNDERSTANDING I HAVE TO...

Going to the Movies

I just came back from going to see the movies with my friend Mykol (lol) it was pretty cool...i really this like the movie although it had to much cussin in it is was ok lol...hes a really cool hes going to b my hookup guy when I'm an adult and I need my car swooped up lol my Fast and the Furious guy lol...talking cars I'm hoping to get a Honda Civic (or something) with my FASFA...if all goes well I'll have license and car before school starts!!!

-ready to move on in life...cheers to making new good friends


GROWING UP, NOT SURE IF I WANT TO BUT UNDERSTANDING I HAVE TO...

Expected!!!

so i had decided that i was done being shy but it really didn't work...i was still nervous, slightly...i was still shy, a little bit...i was still unsure, uncertain...but it worked out for the best in the little time we had...i was happy with todays results... he was what i expected (definitely not a craigslist killer, mom)he wasn't trying to molest me or cop a unwanted feel... he was as awesome as he is on the phone on a day to day basis...

-thankx baby...hope you feel the same!

GROWING UP, NOT SURE IF I WANT TO BUT UNDERSTANDING I HAVE TO...

Motivational Trainer

If i was really passionate about it i would become a personal fitness trainer... there is just a joy in listening to people talk about losing weight or about their determination to get their body to the way they want it. My mom is losing weight and fast (if you really think about the amount of time she's put into it and how much she's lost)and it is just amazing to hear the happiness in her voice... My sister and i have decided to start running and getting 'more in shape' and it's super fun (nevermind the fact that it is hot as hell outside) Knowing that i could help people achieve their goal and do what they want in life is refreshing...but i'm not going to persue that career and so i guess i'm just going to have to help people from the outer lanes of life...

-Trying to shape the world!!!!

GROWING UP, NOT SURE IF I WANT TO BUT UNDERSTANDING I HAVE TO...

In My Book

In my book, he and I are forever..our minds twisting together to become one or hearts responding to the same beat...our emotions corresponding in the best of ways,
I my book he and I are friends for life...we take care of eachothers every desire mentally and physically, our souls mating as we are drawn closer together
...

We are young and some would say too young to have already found the self proclaimed soulmate...and I dont agree but because life is unpredictable...it has us sitting on the edge of our seats wondering whats happening next and whether it will make us cry or scare the daylights out of us...i know that there might b a possibility that I am not the woman God has for him and I know thay we have both have agreed that should that b the case we will both remain friends and let the other b happy and he means it genuinely and I do also...but I'm not ready to give him up...idk if I ever will b but I know if its what he would need to b happy I am ready to give it to him

-Not knowing the future scares me but every one needs a little scare every now and then.

GROWING UP, NOT SURE IF I WANT TO BUT UNDERSTANDING I HAVE TO...

Feeling What Your Feeling

I've noticed something wierd about me these last few years. i can sense other poeples emotions. this isn't like some "cool power" someone can have because there is nothing nice about it. this isn't one of those things where people are happy and i can smell the lavender and feel the sun beaming on my skin. it's a strong storm charging it's way through my mind, as if all happy days are over. I don't feel the good emotions but the bad ones. i can just be in the same room with someone and not even see them and i can already "feel" them. thinking back i realize i've had this since i was younger but it seemed as if back then i was so emmersed in my anger that noticing that i felt any emotions from other people was immediately drowned out. also, the strange thing is that i don't feel them as an outside feeling, i actually FEEL the emotions.
Prime Examply:
One day while sitting in my old church Bethlehem, during a very dull and uninspiring message i felt a strange feeling. suddenly my eyes filled with tears as a grief so strong wracked my body and made my shoulders shiver (feel like crying just writing about it) in my mind a pain so hard to bare beat away at my mental defenses and i felt warm tears begin to slid down my cheeks. mom's left hand brushed agianst my knee as i lean forward, placing my head in my hands. she whispered in my ear "Whats wrong?" i leaned over to her and shook my head. then the doors to the santuary opened and in walked three women, two holding each other and the last tagging along. their walk from the doors to the alter was shaky as they cried with grief. i'm not sure what had seemed to cause their tears, they spoke softly but i don't know if a father or a brother had died that morning but i know he was close. i had taken the few tissues that mom had given me and cleaned my face. after a prayer was given up to the mourning family they walked out no longer crying but still the same long, solemn faces. as soon as church was over i pulld out my poetry journal and had wrote a poem (which will be typed later)
Prime Example 2:
this same day when i got home Dez and me went to our room to change out of our church clothes. i told her i had a poem i wanted her to read and tell me what she thought (something she seemed always welcome to do when i wrote a new poem) she sat down to read it and i went to use the restroom. while washing my hands i suddenly felt this cloud of sadness start to take over my mind and i knew it was happening again. when i came out of the restroom Dez was sitting on the bed writing on the page next to (or on back of i can't remember) the poem i'd wrote. when i asked her what was wrong she started crying telling me how stressed she was and she apologized (something she rarely does) for putting her emotions on me. i told her that the poem was about the girls at church that morning and that there was nothing she could do about it. i felt the sadness in me grow deeper and felt my eyes start to water. she started telling me about her sisters and brothers and the story about her aunt (story i won't get into) i didn't want to cry cause i knew if i did it wouldn't help her any, so i tried to keep a level voice and talk calmly to her. after about an hour of talking i felt the "cloud" begin to rise and knew she'd gotten herself together.

i dont' know how its happened but now that i'm thinking about it i really don't remember the first time it happened and also have come to a conclusion. i think a lot of the anger issues i developed once i can remember the abuse starting might have come from other people. as if possibly i couldn't have the anger and it envelope me, controling my mind, thoughts, body and emotions. i'm thinking once it did this that this is where the constant depression, chronic thoughts of suicide and phobias came from...
just a theory but i know i'm still considered crazy no matter who believes me or how convincing i sound, people will always view me as a freak emotionally, mentally and...who else would want to become friends with someone named Irma...

-Your feelings, my food for thought....

GROWING UP, NOT SURE IF I WANT TO BUT UNDERSTANDING I HAVE TO...

It Is Uncomplicated

Though i know that we just started talking and we haven't met in person yet i feel a connection to him that i have only had once before...and that connection bloomed and blossumed into something completely different, something kinda like immature love. He makes me smile at the most inappropriate momments and gives me advice that i gladly take in hand. He drives me crazy when we aren't talking and i wish i could hold him close and never let go when we are. I must admitt that i am scared, scared of the unknown, scared of the COULD-HAPPENS...but i am going into this anyways...i know that i am not a fortune teller and even if i was i wouldn't want to know my fate with ihm, i'm just glad i will live it...i know that most would be skeptic but i'm optimistic about us, i want us to last and i know that whatever happens we will always be friends...(though i would prefer that things went beyond that)
Before now i felt like i knew them, those other guys...but i realized that i knew them in person but only on the surface...where as him? i know him not enough but more so than the person sitting across or behind me...I'm sure that he feels in some way about me and he has expressed his thoughts about me but i just hope that he genuinely wants me in his future and that all will grow from there...Its one of those 'wake up in the morning and first thought is a smile to my lips and a blush to my cheeks' kinda things...

-Thinking of Chris

GROWING UP, NOT SURE IF I WANT TO BUT UNDERSTANDING I HAVE TO...