When Emotions Fly

So many things have changed in my life. My emotions have gone so crazy...I used to not care about alot of things but for some reason lately i've been crying alot. I've also been happy alot of times...but it's been so random...like I never know if I will wake up angry or happy. I never know if a commercial will make me mushy or a sad moment in a movie will make me cry. Its so annoying. I'm sure that one of these days i'll figure it out but right now? I jus wish I wasn't freakin so all over the place!! The light in me sees the light in you.

Broken Hearts Heal

Sometimes things end. They hurt and bruise us, but we grow up. I looked back on the last post I made and...It made me sad. I can't explain how I felt but love was the only thing that kept me sane. My first semester of college was so hard. I had so many changes and...him just being there for me made me feel so much better. I want so hard to be angry at the situation...but it isn't anger that i feel...just pain and hurt...I wish I could move on because I'm positive that he's moved on the minute that he broke up with me but...I can't. I try not to think about it but it seems to make my heart tighten when I think of not ever waking up next to him again, or dancing with him, or watching him play hours of a computer game. There are great memories there and I just can't seem to deal with it. I try to convince myself that girls go through these moments all the time but...let's face it. I'm no ordinary girl and I never will be. I've never had one of these breakups before. I don't know how I'm supposed to react. I'm not the rebound type of girl. I don't want to be anyone's rebound and I don't want to have one. People have been giving me advice, saying I should just date someone else or hook up with someone and I'm not like that! I can't just be with someone I don't care about. I think the sun has set on my love life. It's died. Every time I get into one I always seem to mess it up or it always goes down hill. But I've decided I'm not going to be a victim anymore. Just because someone doesn't love me anymore doesn't mean my life has ended. If guys don't want to love me then that's okay. I'm not going to do this anymore...Maybe when I'm older but right now? Life couldn't get worse and I'm not trying that anymore. Life has to change and I'm sick of being hurt. I guess the Ice Queen is back. The light in me sees the light in you.

Love and Wells

I love you, like I've never loved anyone before. It's a strange new feeling that I never knew I'd actually feel. This has been something so new for me in my life that...I can't even put to words how great you make me feel. Recently though, since we've gotten back together, I feel as if you've purposefully moved away from me. I know that you and I will have hard patches in our relationship, especially since we are going to be apart for months, but I want you to know that things don't have to be this hard. I know that you probably don't want to get hurt or you don't want to feel...bad because we can't be together so your pushing me away but...I'm here because I want to be! I won't leave you. If things went bad in our relationship I won't go somewhere else for my comfort. I will come to you. I will talk to you first. I don't make promises that I don't wish to keep. I have learned that the hard way. I want you to know that I will be your back bone. I will be you strength. Don't ever forget that. I'm not sure if you love me the way you used to but...I hope the dry spell in your love won't last for long. Because if my love is a well...it's one that never runs dry. The light in me sees the light in you.

Dealing With Fear

The other day a very odd and weird thing happened. One night, I was laying in bed next to Sherron while we were spending a few days in his hometown in OK. His younger brother had switched around the bed and so therefore I would have to sleep against the wall (which I would always do when we slept together). Anyway so when I woke up sometime during the night , I remember reaching out in front of me and feeling solid. I couldn't feel Sherron anywhere. Instantly panic set in...I can't tell you exactly what I was thinking at that moment because it's pretty fuzzy but I do know that I thought that I was either in a box or had been forced into some small area. I instantly began to cry out and then I felt him grabbing at me. The only thing that completely registered at that moment was him reassuring me. I remember that I couldn't stop crying and I couldn't stop shaking. I know things in my past have caused me to be scared or afraid but I'd thought I'd gotten over all childhood scares. Apparently this is one that I don't remember to well but...my body does. I have only had one other time when I've freaked out before and it was as a small kid when I'd been shut into a dark and hot attic. I'd thought that no one would find me and that I'd die there. I believe it's really time to let this fear go, to banish it. I don't want to wake up that way any longer. After he'd assured me that I was fine, we watched a movie. Still after we'd stop watching it I tried to go back to sleep but I couldn't. No matter how hard I closed my eyes and tried to put myself to sleep, I couldn't shake the fact that I wasn't ENTIRELY sure that I wasn't going to wake up locked up. Eventually, he had to hold me until I fell asleep. When I'd woke up I remembered what'd happened and my eyes watered but I didn't cry. It's really about time to let go. The light in me sees the light in you.

Thoughts

I guess I just realized that my philosophy for life has been wrong. I used to think that in order to be happy I had to be famous, or well known around the US. But I don't, having a decent job and a nice apartment works well for me. I would like to be a writer. When I was younger I thought that in order to be a successful Author you had to be like Nora Roberts or some one like that but recently I realized I don't need to get a Best Sellers title in order to be successful. I want to be an artist and an author in one. I look forward to the time that I am an actual adult. The day when I pay my own bills, maybe have an apartment in an ideal city and a guy by my side. That is my dream for now. My later life dreams later... So I guess I've decided to be an artist. Going to major in Art and minor in English... I can become a better writer when I'm writing. I believe that I can become a better Artist by going to school better, that is what I'm going to do. Present dream made, future dream will be forming...soon. The light in me sees the light in you.

The Way It Turns Out

Lately I've been going through life thinking that I could eventually work things out. That I would just go to school and take classes, I would gain my degree and after I would start paying off my loans. What I hadn't anticipated was that while I was in school I wouldn't have the funds to go to school. That I couldn't just go and not expect to have some kind of fee to pay. But I do...and I just want to give up, but I won't. I don't know how I'm going to make enough money to pay off my debt before I can enroll in school again. I hate that it's so hard. I've had a hard life. People want to say that I've been spoiled, that I'm a brat...but honestly? You don't know what the hell I had to go through, what I've had to overcome to keep myself from going insane, from committing suicide (something that I attempted/considered so many times as a child). They want to judge me based on how well off my parents are or how low we are. They want to look at the outside of what my life is showing and expect it to tell them I've been through nothing in my life. That things shouldn't affect me. But they are wrong, just because I might not care about what is normal or just because I choose not to divulge how deep my feelings are for something or someone doesn't mean I don't care. I....just...am floating. The light in me sees the light in you.

Change Of A Lifetime

All my life I have been a writer...I can't remember a time when I wasn't making up stories or telling elaborate fairy-tales. I would have been a great Architect, this I know, but I'm not entirely sure I would have been a happy one. Again, I must mention that all of my life I have been a writer and this is something that I should have thought of doing in the first place. I'm not going to go as far as saying if I had started out as an English and Art double major, that maybe my first semester would have turned out a lot better but I do know that I cannot change the past. I know that I will never be able to get back my first semester or my second semester tries but I do promise myself that now that things are more clear? I am determined to move forward. Just in case you haven't heard the new dig...I currently am apart of the School of Architecture under the Masters of Architecture tract. I was wait listed for a year on my semester so the things that I have already taken either don't count towards my new decisions or they are Gen.Ed. classes. I am going to double major in English with an emphasis in Creative Writing and Visual Arts with an emphasis in Painting/Drawing. I have been an artist since I was very young also (save a few discouraged years when I didn't even touch a sketchbook). I have sold paintings and given away drawings. Although some people say that you will be a 'starving artist', I will go against that. I am not going to be a starving artist because 1. that won't be my only job. I plan to write, even if it is for a newspaper, editing company, or technical manuals in some way. I won't be without a job because I believe that a degree in English from KU means alot in the professional world. 2. I have faith in myself that I won't let my thoughts of being an artist keep me from being realistic. I will chose the things that I do because I know they will benefit my future. I am making the right decision. For me and for my sanity. The light in me sees the light in you.

Scared For The Future

I've been having this problem. I really would like to become an Architect...it's what I'm currently in school for but...idk. I'm kinda thinking about majoring in English and minoring in Art. I really want to be an artist. I could still be that as an Architect but idk what to do. I watch people with Studios, with art classes, with canvas and its a dream come true. I also want to be a writer. My mom will tell you, I've been writing and reading since I was a little kid. I was born with it. but i don't know if I'm good at it. I'm scared that I'm not good enough to be the artist/author that I want to be. I admitt that i need to take risks but im just really scared. I have until August to figure this out. I know it sounds like a long time but...it's not...not really. not for these life choices. the ones that could either turn my life around or send me spiraling down into a deep dark pit.... The light in me sees the light in you.

Day and Night

I must say, I didn't expect being an adult to feel so bad. I hadn't even been one to say, 'I can't wait until I grow up'. I'd merely been 18 when I was 18. I'm glad I didn't rush my time but I also don't agree with what parents usually say in response to a child that says that. "Don't rush your time, cuz when you get older you will wish that you were young again." This I do not feel. I am glad I am not a child to be bossed around and have my decisions made for me. I am yet feeling the drag of every day life. Having to go to work, sleep all day, wake up and eat. Go to work, sleep all day, wake up and eat. Go to work, sleep all day, wake up and eat. As boring and repetitive it is to keep repeating it, is as boring and repetitive it is to keep living it. I know I have just started out on what I would be saying 'working for the rest of my life' but I'm tired of it already. I haven't even finished my freshman year of college and I'm already stressing about not being able to make next months rent and how I will survive trying to pay for food AND worry about whether I will be able to receive financial aid next year. Riding through campus after work, trying to get home, makes me want to break down in tears everyday. I feel as though I have failed, and I have on some level, and that I can't recover from this. I have tried to recon with my school it just seems that they don't care. I'm sure that the woman that sits behind her desk could care less about my problems and how I can't afford school and is more worried about what time she has to pick her kids up and if she'd have enough time to get her 'mani' fixed first. Not that whether her nails are pretty or not is less important that my future...but that right now? I would at least like a little of your sympathy and even a little more of your help in guiding me to what I should honestly do...not just reading to me what the book says and have me find out later that I could have stayed in school in the first place if you hadn't been staring at the tears on my face and thinking to yourself 'Can she get out of my office? I definitely have some tuna melt I'd like to eat.' That's all I'm saying. Anyways, the days seem to be going by in a blur. I find it hard to see the difference between reality and my dreams. Only how I know the difference is when I wake up and my throat isn't slit or the sides of my jacket isn't covered in some unknown white substance. That is all...and I'm exhausted for it. The light in me sees the light in you.

After Everything Went Down Hill- Day 3

I really hate the fact that I have been juiced by the University of Kansas so many times. I was told that I had to withdraw from school and then I was told that I could have stayed in school. That I could have petitioned and went to classes. This makes me so angry because it just seems like every time I get something done, there is something that is holding me back. I just need to find a way to get back control of my life. Everything is spiraling, spinning out of control. I hold my head high and tell myself that everything will work out but right now everything seems to be going down hill. After that happens I'm not sure how this will work out but I'm trying to trust God in this. Unfortunately, I am living through this on my own. Life is no longer a theme from a book as I would have seen it when I was younger. I will eventually write all of this, show the world what I went through, and how I came out of it...But currently, I guess I have to go through it first for it to become a good story. Don't mind me though...these things happen. I'm not complaining, I'm just expressing a problem that I'm sure many people have been through. I can relate with a lot of other people...maybe now it's time they can relate to me. P.S. I have no clue why I didn't write yesterday. I'm assuming that I had too much to do and I forgot...but the truth just might be that I didn't want to. #Stubborn lol The light in me sees the light in you.

In The Beginning- NaBloWriMo Day 1

At first I must admit that I thought it would be quite easy, living on my own. It turns out that I was wrong. It isn't that easy. Maybe there are some things that I need to go through or even learn before I become an adult that makes these times so hard. Things like; not being able to pay first months rent fully, or eating sparsely, or working the night shift because it pays more and not because of convenience. I thought that surely having my own apartment and going to school would also not be a problem but...I'm not in school. Currently taking leave from school puts a lot of things into perspective. Such as, how a year ago I'd been imagining how great my life would be as a first year, second semester college student. That I might, naively, have no worries. That I wouldn't have to deal with people not liking me and making my life a living hell. Or even not experiencing becoming completely reclusive and depressed and having to deal with not passing some of my most important classes. I surely wasn't thinking that not having enough FAFSA wouldn't be a problem. I'm not sure how I saw myself getting through second semester, having spent 75% of my Financial aid on first semester, in the first place. But here I am. Not in school, working full time and overnight shifts, trying not to starve because of the amounts/types of foods I do or don't eat. I am determined to finish turning in these essays for these scholarships for next semester to ensure that I have enough money....I'm determined to make as much money as possible during these next 6 months of my life so that next years rent won't be so stressful, let alone late. I've signed up for SNAP and as long as I can get that I'm sure my eating-life will be a whole lot better...unfortunately I talk alot of game. I said all this last year, believing that things will eventually get better (something I've been forcing myself to believe all my life) and look how things have recently turned out. But hope isn't all lost...and we must persevere The light in me sees the light in you.

Word Definitions

To fail is to make a goal and not meet it. To be a failure is to make several goals and not meet any of them. Sometimes, while looking back on life, i realize that things that i have said...done...or even thought are the product of the way I looked at the things, of the world, in my life. My views on marriage are directly proportional to the marriages and the couples that I saw fall apart, stick together, and just not happen...throughout my entire life. Marriage is to legally bind yourself to another person using vows, signatures and witnesses. I would say, out of all the marriages that have ended...out of all the ones that have lasted...out of all the ones that didn't happen...I'm still willing to give it a try. I used to think that I was meant to be alone...and maybe I am. Maybe I'm meant to be one of those who dies without a husband by her side. Just because I feel like I might be meant for that...doesn't exactly mean it has to turn out that way. I don't want to be alone. Although I am the hardest person EVER to live with...I don't want to sit in my rocking chair thinking of life in shoulda-woulda-coulda's. To be Alone is to be by yourself, mentally or physically. I never asked to be alone...I simply grew up and BAMMM...there alone was. I refuse to be that way when I get older. But then again, I also feel that you can be married, in a domestic partnership, be in polygamist relationships and still be alone. Word of mouth. To refuse is to not allow something being said, done, or given. I refuse to do as bad in college as I did the first semester of my freshman year. I refuse to spiral down, back into depression, to where my grades were directly proportional to my attitude. Never again. I'm stopping that mess right here. If you were going to think it? I refuse to let you believe it. I know I have failed, believing that I was alone...but I will no longer and although you may have lost all hope in me...I haven't. That's all I have to say. To say is to speak something into existence using words, symbols and sounds...by my word definition. The light in me sees the light in you.