Imagine Me Dying

So to tell you something completely strange and weird that i do that i most likely shouldn't do but only do because i'm one of the most imaginatively crazy people in the world...

ok so i kill people off in my mind...i use the world around me and what i know about life and i kill them off..i study what my reaction to them dying would be like...i cry and i scream and i shout (in my mind of course)but now i understand it was just my way to cope...ill most likely keep doing it...it calms me down lol :)

i know i'm crazy
-glad not still violent

GROWING UP, NOT SURE IF I WANT TO BUT UNDERSTANDING I HAVE TO...

Thinking About the Real Future

Ok so if you really think about it life is a fairy tale, there are the women who have stepmothers who are jealous because their fathers love them more, there are the girls who get left behind, there are the women who marry men who they love. there are the evil women of the world who set out just to make your life more difficult than it already is. But you really just have to look outside of the box on all the other things...the kids whose parents negociate to get them back from serial killers and kidnappers and those people who turn out to be serial killers because they were bullied in school... No matter what happens at the end of this fairytale there is always someone who gets left out, who gets hurt or even killed...what's their story? do we even care? how many people have died and (yes they might have been the bad person in the story) we didn't even look at what their family might have felt, thought or did to get over that loss?
-just randomly thinking from when talking to Dobson

GROWING UP, NOT SURE IF I WANT TO BUT UNDERSTANDING I HAVE TO...

Allergies and Confused Minds

The only thing worse than having really bad allergies is nursing a broken heart while having those allergies. Its like, dang i don't feel good and i'm hurt (not in the physical sence but mentally) Its like you can't breathe through your nose which makes you sound like a horse trying to breathe out your mouth and on top of that you are emotionally drained. I'm stressed out about college money, highschool grades and life in general, i have no time to be falling in love and getting my heart broken....so why do i?

GROWING UP, NOT SURE IF I WANT TO BUT UNDERSTANDING I HAVE TO...

Since Your Breaking My Heart, Hope I Die

So maybe fairytales don't come true, maybe there is a land somewhere that is beautiful and just flowing with milk and honey but princesses don't find princes, beautiful maidens don't go into kiss-cured coma's and women who are extremely tired don't become trapped by dragons. So i just want to know why i believed it all did? when did i think that there was actually a place where guys really do love more than one woman and pick the truest one, or that guys who are broke just admitt it instead of standing you up, or there might be somewhere out there someone who DOESN'T want you to become a bare-foot and pregnant wife before the age of nineteen, or the guys that want to be with you but also be shared with five other girls, or even the guys who believe they are more beautiful than you are... i don't know why i believed that somewhere there is a happy ending. Chilvary has died and romance climbed in the grave and baried itself right along with it. Love is vapor and goes where ever the wind blows and may even dissipitate if your not careful with how you treat it. I can't remember a time when my heart was frail. a time where i couldn't deal with the pain, i remember suicidal thoughts and angry mutulations of my own esteem but i've been strong all my life...i've been through so much and people tend to say that i haven't been through enough to really effect me (but what the hell do they know? how the hell are they going to tell me? they definitely weren't there to be a shield when i was getting physically abused and i definitely don't remember them putting their hands over my ears to block out the continuous verbal abuse) but it has. I am who i am today because of my past. and though now, in the future, my heart is broken in fifty millions pieces, i' m sure that i will pick them up. I will heal, I will move on...and even though i cry at the thought of missing him now that he's gone? i don't regret it never happened...I love him and i wish that one day, he finds the happiness that he deserves...because all the pain he is enduring now??? its a straight shot towards unhealthy and i wish i would've been able to show that to him...
-Nutritional Healer for the Heart

GROWING UP, NOT SURE IF I WANT TO BUT UNDERSTANDING I HAVE TO...

Medicine For My Heart

I didn't want to flip and change the script
but since it was my heart on the line,
i played the riff and changed the whole story plot
starting with a hardcore base of drums and emotion beats
to soft slow ribbons of heart strung strings

somewhere beneath the base there is a softly crying violin
its weeping voice tearing holes into my resolution
ripping gaps through my soul
and yet i still feel the same, my heart burning
my fingers shaking
my chest pounding and my inner sanctum breaking...

Can't remember why but for some reason?
my body is mellow, as if being put to rest,
as if this is the answer...
and i produce the movie of medicine for my heart

-only trying to come to terms with my decisions

GROWING UP, NOT SURE IF I WANT TO BUT UNDERSTANDING I HAVE TO...

Anger and Frustration

Its like my soul is on fire, there is a burning in my heart just for revenge,
Catching some deep thoughts agianst my chest, hoping that they won't detonate and leave me breathless and helpless
i'm always in some calm reserve, holding back the fullness of my rage,
deeming to be one of those "beware my wrath" types
only to descover that i have more self-control i give myself credit for, knowing that if my buttons are pushed, which they are regularly, then i won't wile out like i believed i would
that i would be able to hold my blistering rage inside and maybe the person i want to explode on might actually be able to walk away with limbs still attached and mind still in tact.
not to say the same for me, holding it all in the rooms of my mind fills my conscience to capacity, stretching my self-control until one day i just might explode
I'm just hoping there will be noone there to be caught in the mess that is left behind...
- not really worried but still thinking of the outcome of my long overdue rage hapence

GROWING UP, NOT SURE IF I WANT TO BUT UNDERSTANDING I HAVE TO...

I'm Happy, But IDK If I Should Be Just Yet

so you make me happy, i mean of course you know that, but you would be better off hearing it from me. For some reason our personalities fit so well that i chuckle at the worst situations and you make me smile in spite of my pain. There is honestly that butterfly feeling in my stomach that people speak about but i must admitt...it doesn't feel anything like butterflies. its like a heat in my checks when i blush but running the course of my body. its a sweet feeling that apparently happens constantly because in this short amount of time i've been happier than i've been in a while...and it's due to you, theres no beating around the bush here, in this (whatever you call it) relationship. When i first heard you liked me, and how long its been i had that beautiful burning sensation again and i knew that maybe we could work something out because for once i don't feel like this is going to be one sided...and i know you have things in your life that you need to take care of but i want to be there for you, and help you through whatever (not that i'm possitive that i would be good at that, i just hope so)
-just thinking of you in a realistic sence

GROWING UP, NOT SURE IF I WANT TO BUT UNDERSTANDING I HAVE TO...

Picking My Room, Roommate, and Meal Plan for KU

Ok so on friday i asked my mom could i borrow three hundred and fifty dollars so that i could pay my housing fee and pick my room and meal plan and all that super exciting stuff. and i had gotten paid on that thursday so of course i was at least going to be able to give her one hundred dollars so i'd end up only owing her two hundred and fifty (now to get off of math...ugh) she said yes of course and so i paid online and went directly to the housing dept. all excited. (it was unknown to me that they would have to manually unlock my account so that i can pick my room) Super frustrated i went about my friday angry. On saturday i did the (somewhat) usual- went to UMKC for the now-not-funded- Scholars Pipeline Program, got stood up for a date and then went and kicked it for the rest of the night with four of my friends. I then got home to a little talking-to from my mom after once again trying to get on the internet to see if it would work but that didn't turn out the way i'd planned and so i cleaned the bathrooms and went to sleep. Sunday i did the usualy- Went to Lenexa Christian Church (which is amazing, might i add) and then in between work and church i once agian tried to pick my room and all that and it still didn't work, now even more frustrated i talked to a friend and he calmed me down, apparently i just needed to stop being sad all the time (his words) and so i picked my head up and figured that tomorrow (which is today in now terms) i would just call up there and see what is going on. for the rest of the day i was cool (at least about this sorta thing) and i called this morning to find out they had to unlock my account manually (mentioned earlier)....all has been well just hopefully my roommate and i will get along :)
- no longer frustrated prospective college student :)

GROWING UP, NOT SURE IF I WANT TO BUT UNDERSTANDING I HAVE TO...

Becoming A Spinster

ok so i don't know to much to say on this subject. i could say that maybe starting reading romance novels at such a young age probably most likely messed me up for how guys really are in real life. i have standards that maybe possibly only guys in those books can live up to. I don't want to lower my standards and i don't want to become a spinster either. it makes me frustrated though because it seems like all the guys i tend to go out with end up being the ones who get majorly attached or they are so dis-attached that i feel like they don't even like me the way they claim to do. I'm kind of angry at myself for that though because i know that guys only treat me that way because i have let them...i used to not care so much so it wouldn't really be that big of a deal if a guy left me stranded on the plaza for a couple of hours, or if a guy stood me up and then ended up being at the place we were supposed to meet later on in the day, or if he cheated on me and i cheated back to make him feel bad but it did nothing but show me how much of a wuss i am because its not that i'm scared to speak my mind it's that i'm angry because i want to and i know i would blow up and then i would say things and possibly do things that i don't want to do. and that would do nothing but make me mad :( gosh i wish things where as easy as when older people say "You have your life, young one, to find someone to love"

GROWING UP, NOT SURE IF I WANT TO BUT UNDERSTANDING I HAVE TO...

Can't Loose My Brother, But Will I?

So we've been together for how long? I've been your sister since i was born and you've been my brother since the same and yet for these last few years you have been acting like i'm some kind of lepor. I have been trying to get in touch with you...i have been trying to act like the sister i know i can be to you if you only gave me a chance...i know i'm a very prideful person but i will admitt that i love you and i will admitt that i miss you and that i want you to come back to me. before you did somethings that i didn't like, things that made me never want to forgive you, but honestly i must also admitt some of it is my fault. i have a hand in my past and i have a hand in my future and so anything that went wrong with us is as much my fault as it is yours. but must you continue to punish me for something i most likely don't remember ever doing? I can't even believe that you would let us go this far with out talking, that you would even attempt to pretend like i'm not your sister. I know that our biological mother has already spread to everyone that i'm not a good person and i'm no longer apart of her family and that i am not and will never be her child but must you follow in her footsteps? must you pretend like i'm not the sister who, when we were younger before everything went wrong, you said "It's you and me against the world" to? I'm just trying to figure out if it's to late for us...because you seem to be acting like it is....i just want to know ahead of time so i can prepare myself for whatever is in my future.
-sister seeking information

GROWING UP AND NOT SURE IF I WANT TO BUT UNDERSTAND THAT I HAVE TO.

Failure

There is this fear i have. it is a fear of failure, i can't seem to shake it. i've had it all my life. It makes me think that maybe if i hadn't been told all the negative things about me when i was younger then maybe it's because for the same reason. I've had this fear of failure that reaccures in my life over and over again. let's see, when i was a kid i took up cheerleading, and then i quit because i thought that i looked stupid kicking my feet up and down yelling and stuff but i was totally ok with the whole dance routine thing. ok so after that i took piano. i felt like i was good enough to just go to my lesson and never play outside of there because i didn't need all of that. I also did cheerleading in sixth and seventh grade, but i was a punk and i was shy around all the preppy white girls who were rich and thought that i was below them because i was neither white nor rich. i then started to be on the dance team when i was in eighth grade and i was really good but once agian i was shy and i got into trouble and my mom told me i couldn't do it and though i cried i was sorta relieved that i didn't have to find a reason on my own to back out of it. Over the course of Highschool i attempted to run track, freshman year i attended the whole conditioning session and the half of the season but then i ended up quiting (for reasons i can't understand) from then on (sophomore year) i was just out of shape and too shy and i had a job (at least that was my other excuse) so there i am, irma the girl who has a fear of failure. I can't let this go on. I can't let this allow me to ruin the rest of my highschool career or make me stop working or make me some how flunk out of college.

SITTIN AND THINKING AND DREAMIN...i'm so cool

My G1

Ok so i seriously can't explain to you how frustrating to see all these super good deals on craigslist for a G1 and then find out nintey-five percent of them are already sold. and then when i did find a guy who was willing to give me the phone, the wall charger, the car charger, the box it came in, and a memory card all for $75 (which is one of the best deals a girl can ask for the 'couple hundred' dollar phone) he turns out to be living in NorthKC and i have 1. no way to get out there and 2. even if i did ask my bro to go pick it up for me i'd have to wait until he decided that he liked me enough to go get it(lol) and then maybe bring it to my house and then i'd have to run up to the kiosk at ward parkway mall and sign up to get the prepaid plan that is $50 a month (knowing that it is kinda a good deal but then again kinda not a good deal because i don't even get unlimitted data and so i'd have to try super hard not to get on the internet as much) but other than the obsticales that tend to get in my way constantly with this phone i am determined to get it and i really hope that i get it today (seeing as i get paid today and anyone asking for the money won't have to wait that long for me to give it to them since it's just a short trip up to the bank) anyways....i hope my mom remembers to ask my bro and my bro says yes about picking it up and the guy is telling the truth about the phone being in great condition and that the charger ACTUALLY works with the phone....
- freak out for the day

SITTIN AND THINKING AND DREAMIN...i'm so cool

Senioritis

I believe i have a bad case of senioritis (not that i wouldn't mind admitting that i've had it since sophomore year) that i just can't seem to get rid of. I don't want to do homework, school work, i'm definitely not trying my best on my Physics 2 tests and i swear the last time i wrote an essay for english class people still rode around in buggy's and couples still had to have chaperones for rides around the park. I can't even think about what is going to happen tomorrow because i'm trying to catch up to last week. My brain is mush and i can't even decide what to wear in the mornings (thank you to my sister Dezerae i didn't leave out of the house this morning buck naked) For the last month and a half i've had a never ending job that makes me too tired and so i slept in a class for the first time in months (like the whole lay your head down, eyes closed and dreaming about being rich kind of sleep) and i lost twenty five points in the process...i swear even though i knew i still didn't see it coming. i don't even feel like putting on eye liner this morning but knowing i'd look ugly as hell considering how my eyes have bags under them from not enough sleep and my hair is jacked from sweating at work and my allergies tend to make my facial features swell....i just had to in the last couple of minutes..and i still look like crap. I don't know how the rest of this year will go but hopefully it will go quickly and i will graduate passing all my classes with a C and hopefully with more money from my FAFSA so i won't be a worryhead this summer....
-Jacked up Teenager :(

SITTIN AND THINKING AND DREAMIN...i'm so cool

Thinking of you

For some reason i can't seem to take my mind off of you. not that i would want to if i could but seriously i feel like i'm stalking you with my brain. your face preoccupies my minds photo album your voice fills my body's voice box you characteristics constantly remind me of why i like you, i feel like i'm going to cry. I'm not normally the mushy type but i take it you are so when you tell me things like i'm beautiful and that i'm your princess you make me feel a whole lot better and actually make me feel like you really honestly like me. you say that you feel like your falling for me and i'm not sure if thats a good thing or a bad thing. to say on the optimistic side, i am flattered and hope soon that i will feel the same way because i actually think you and i are going to work. to say on the pessimistic side, i'm scared i might not measure up to your expectations. everyone tells every girl that she never should lower her standards but do they say the same to boys? do boys actually have standards for the girls they choose to have sex with, for girls they choose to date? because for some reason the good guys are always caught up with girls that either do them wrong or are bad for them. I don't want to be that for you and though you reassure me that i am what you want i can't help but to be wary of your feelings or be wary of how i am around you or if what i just said might have been the deal breaker or given you the way out that you wanted...So just sitting here thinking of you, on my way to feeling the same way about you as you do me, and you'll never know because i know you will never read this,
- your princess

SITTIN AND THINKING AND DREAMIN...i'm so cool

A long time coming

Ok so hi, i haven't wrote, typed, talked whatever you want to call it in a long while...you can't really ask me why, well you could but i won't seriously have a valid answer. i've been busy and i know thats no excuse to wait almost a whole year and a half before i decided that blogging is actually cool. again. I have achieved so much since we talked last. I am a senior in high school, I am a prospective student at the University of Kansas, entering into the Architecture Department. I haven't been doing that well in school though because i've been working my butt off at the kansas city convention center. I get out of school at 3:46 and i have to be at work at 4 and then i get off at 12:30 (and sometimes later than that but i've chosen not to work past one)
I was just coming back and reading all my other blogs and i realized i was a pretty smart girl sometime ago. kinda makes me wonder what happened because for some reason lately my brain has been acting like it has no clue what it wants to do, what it wants to learn, why i'm feeding it the knowledge that i am...it's just been acting crazy.
I have to go to my next class now so i'll talk to you the next time i blog....LONG TIME NO SEE!


SITTIN AND THINKING AND DREAMIN...i'm so cool