Day and Night

I must say, I didn't expect being an adult to feel so bad. I hadn't even been one to say, 'I can't wait until I grow up'. I'd merely been 18 when I was 18. I'm glad I didn't rush my time but I also don't agree with what parents usually say in response to a child that says that. "Don't rush your time, cuz when you get older you will wish that you were young again." This I do not feel. I am glad I am not a child to be bossed around and have my decisions made for me. I am yet feeling the drag of every day life. Having to go to work, sleep all day, wake up and eat. Go to work, sleep all day, wake up and eat. Go to work, sleep all day, wake up and eat. As boring and repetitive it is to keep repeating it, is as boring and repetitive it is to keep living it. I know I have just started out on what I would be saying 'working for the rest of my life' but I'm tired of it already. I haven't even finished my freshman year of college and I'm already stressing about not being able to make next months rent and how I will survive trying to pay for food AND worry about whether I will be able to receive financial aid next year. Riding through campus after work, trying to get home, makes me want to break down in tears everyday. I feel as though I have failed, and I have on some level, and that I can't recover from this. I have tried to recon with my school it just seems that they don't care. I'm sure that the woman that sits behind her desk could care less about my problems and how I can't afford school and is more worried about what time she has to pick her kids up and if she'd have enough time to get her 'mani' fixed first. Not that whether her nails are pretty or not is less important that my future...but that right now? I would at least like a little of your sympathy and even a little more of your help in guiding me to what I should honestly do...not just reading to me what the book says and have me find out later that I could have stayed in school in the first place if you hadn't been staring at the tears on my face and thinking to yourself 'Can she get out of my office? I definitely have some tuna melt I'd like to eat.' That's all I'm saying. Anyways, the days seem to be going by in a blur. I find it hard to see the difference between reality and my dreams. Only how I know the difference is when I wake up and my throat isn't slit or the sides of my jacket isn't covered in some unknown white substance. That is all...and I'm exhausted for it. The light in me sees the light in you.